Black and White

A few months ago I started seeing a new counselor. I really liked my old counselor but really felt like I was stuck. I had gone to her so long it was like all we did in our sessions was chat and catch up on life. I had known her so long and it was hard for me to bring up new struggles with her. I was afraid of disappointing her. Not so with my new counselor. I made a commitment to myself that I would not hold back and so far so good. We've talked about some pretty deep stuff and its hard but after each session I feel like I've really gotten something out of it.

One thing that she and I have uncovered is that the root of a lot of my struggles is that I have a hard time seeing the gray in life. I want black or white, good or bad, happy or sad. When those things start to mix my mind doesn't know how to handle it. This affects everything in my life....my relationships, how I make decisions, how I see myself and handle my emotions. If something is not all good, then automatically I place it in the bad category. If I have a problem with a friend, family member, etc. then I have to fight myself to not want to drop that relationship completely. When I make a poor decision or have a bad emotion then I am filled with shame and really tear myself down mentally.

I had a breakdown a few weeks ago when I realized that I had to make a decision about Brendan's school for the rest of the year after we move. Our choices were to move him into his new school in our new district or keep him in his current school. As I thought about the pros and cons I didn't like either of the choices and the pressure to make that huge decision was just too much for me to handle. So automatically I started doubting this whole moving process. To me it felt like if one part wasn't going well, then the whole thing was a mistake. I started to really doubt God and all the guidance He was obviously giving us. Because of this one decision. Crazy huh?

This is how I live life day to day. It makes life really hard sometimes and I'm praying that God will help me to work through this. I know that its probably not something I'll ever completely conquer but I want to be able to see a little more gray in my life. God didn't promise a life of no problems and I know that He doesn't want me to give up on the good in life just because it might be a little difficult sometimes.