The Truth

Well, its been few weeks since I posted on my decision to come out of "hiding" and accepting God's Grace for me. I've read a few more chapters in the book and really enjoyed and learned a few things. Its a lot to try to post about in a blog but I might be doing that shortly :)

We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with family and lots of fun holiday activities that I'll be posting about soon but first I wanted to write a little bit about how I'VE been doing lately.

One of the things that I've always struggled with is insomnia at night. Even as a little child. There are stories you'll hear from family members of all types of my sleeping struggles. We laugh about them now but its turned into a real big problem. I usually say I'm a night owl and try to make light of it but its really gotten worse as I've gotten older and have more stresses in my life. People always give me advice about how to get to sleep earlier at night and while I really appreciate the effort, I have to be honest and say that my struggles were more serious than I was letting people know about. Have you ever had an issue that you glossed over with a less serious name? Well, I don't just struggle with insomnia and I'm more than just a night owl.....

I have ANXIETY. There I said it. Its not something I'm proud of and I just want to hide it away. It makes me feel like I'm less of a person, less of Christian, not having enough faith in God. There are so many verses in the Bible speaking against anxiety and worry. I feel ashamed that I struggle with this. I'm frustrated with God that I have to deal with this in my life. Thats the honest truth and I need to face it. Thats the only way to truly overcome it.

Staying up til 2 am is just not good. I usually made it through the day without too much anxiety but when the house got quiet and I had the space in my head to think, things were not pretty. I would stay up making lists, organizing my calendars (almost obsessively), and simply just laying in bed my mind spinning with all the stuff I needed to do and all the stuff I didn't do that day. Add on some issues from my past that would fill my mind with all sorts of negative thoughts and I was a wreck. To push away those thoughts I would watch TV until I couldn't keep my eyes open and then stumble into bed, to tired to think of anything at all. Night after night it was getting worse and worse. Time to take some action!

A few days before Thanksgiving I saw a psychiatrist. A very kind woman who listened to me spill out my feelings and didn't judge me or make me feel bad. She definitely agreed that I was dealing with anxiety and prescribed me anti-depressent and a sleeping aid to help until the anti-depressent was fully working. I wasn't sure how they would make me feel or if they would help at all but I have to say after just a few weeks, I'm feeling a lot better. I don't take the sleep aid every night, if I don't get enough sleep it makes me kinda groggy the next day so if I can't get to bed around 10 (hey...its Christmas...things have to get done around here and sometimes it has to happen after bedtime) then I don't take it. I haven't been in bed later than midnight and thats a big improvement! The biggest change has been my anxiety level. I don't feel anxious at all really. When evening comes I can get the things done that have to be done (online Christmas shopping, addressing Christmas cards, planning fun Christmas outings, wrapping presents) and when they are done I feel peace and I'm able to go to bed and leave everything else for the next day. Its really great! I also feel more "stable" during the day. My mood doesn't go up and down and the negative thoughts are staying away for the most part! I'm really excited!

I'm thankful that there is something out there that can help me with my struggles. I know that God is above it all and my quiet times and relationship with Him have to take priority over anything else. I got into a good habit of studying my Beth Moore study and I'm on the lookout now for a new study to continue growing in my faith. I know that it made my life and my day much better as well.

I'm on the search for new counselor and the search has been a little frustrating at times due to tricky confusing insurance companies. But I think I finally found someone and will hopefully see her next week pending insurance confirmation. I'm excited to get a fresh start!

So thats whats been going on with me! Lots of good things are coming out of my decision to stop hiding and be the real me, no matter how embarrassing it may be :) God is good!