19 Days

As the days slip past us and we get closer to Ethan's surgery date my heart is growing heavier and heavier. Most days I'm struggling to put my worries and my anxieties in God's hands. Several times a day it will just hit me,  the heaviness of what he has to go through and I just break down. Sometimes I'm mad, sometimes I'm sad, and most of the time I just feel helpless. I am so so thankful for extra one on one time with him though. I'm definitely soaking it in as much as I can. Somedays I can go without thinking about it too much but it always hits me at night. All my emotions I've held in overwhelm me. I pray a lot and I cry a lot. I find myself sneaking into Ethan's bed at night to pray over him and hold him close. When he comes into our bed in the middle of the night I don't want to put him back in his bed. I've stopped lecturing myself about it.

The unknowns of it all are the hardest to deal with. I can't really prepare or plan and I have zero control over all of it. I've done a little (cautious) research online and everyone says that the recovery varies from child to child. He is a fighter so I'm hoping he'll bounce back quickly but we just don't know. The poor guy, he has no idea what is coming! How do you prepare an almost 3 year old for this? Brendan and Carter can barely grasp it! Do we just act like everything is normal then one day off we go to the hospital and thats it??

Last night I just couldn't sleep and the pain was too much for my heart to handle. I put on one of my favorite songs for when I'm anxious or worried. There are so many good Scriptures about giving your worries and anxieties to God. I have a bunch written down when I need them. I fell asleep with this song on repeat.

Perfect Peace  by Laura Story

Stay close by My side
Keep your eyes on Me
Though this life is hard
I will give you perfect peace

In this time of trial
Pain that no one sees
Trust me when I say
That I will give you perfect peace

And you'll never walk alone
And you'll never be in need
Though I may not calm the storms around you
You can hide in Me

Burdens that you bear
Offer no relief
Let Me bear your load
'Cause I will give you perfect peace

Stay close by My side
And you'll never walk alone
Keep your eyes on Me
And you'll never be in need
Though this life is hard
Know that I will always give you perfect peace
I will give you perfect peace

To all my dear friends and family. Please know that I'm okay and I'm taking care of myself and my heart. I might need an extra hug and I definitely needs lots and lots of extra prayers. Thank you so much!!! God has truly blessed us with wonderful support and we love you all so much!