Coming out of Hiding....

The house is quiet...such a rare moment here during the daylight hours and I'm soaking up every second I can. Ethan is sleeping and my in-laws are in town and just picked up Brendan and Carter to take them swimming at their hotel for a few hours. A million house chores are calling my name but I'm drowning them out with Pandora and my favorite worship music. The house can wait. I want to write from my heart. I want to share my inner thoughts. Its scary, really scary. I've been reading everyone elses posts about Grace for the Good Girl and honestly I'm intimidated. There are some AMAZING bloggers out there who really know how to write and express their thoughts in truly beautiful and raw ways. I'm not one of them. I can write okay now and then. I'm better at writing then speaking that is for sure. But most of the time my writing is surface level, especially here on my blog. Every once in awhile I've tried to be more vulnerable and open up but there is always something in the back of mind that holds me back. I want to post the most adorable pictures of my kids, the ones without food on their faces or tears and screams. I want to post pictures of only the clean parts of my house. I want to only post about our fun and happy memories, leaving out anything negative that happened. I don't post about my struggles and weaknesses.  Part of me just wants to leave that for my closest friends and family. This blog is my happy place. Where I can hide behind cute pictures and fun zoo trips. Not that thats a bad thing and I do want to keep this a fun and happy place a majority of the time.

But I'm going take a little break from the sunshine and rainbows. If thats to hard for you to read, please feel free to not read any further. It might get kinda ugly and messy over here for a bit. But I have decided in the last few months that I'd rather be open and honest about the ugly and messy parts of life, the truly honest parts, and be known for everything that I am and all that God made me.  The good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it. So you've been warned :)

When I first hear about the book Grace for the Good Girl I knew from the title that this would be a book I definitely could relate too. All my life I've been the good girl.  I was born the oldest of 3 kids, the only girl, in a Christian home. My mom grew up Christian, my dad did not but after meeting my mom he accept Christ and they worked hard together to raise us all in the Lord. For the most part, things looked great from the outside. We went to church every week in sickness or in health. I was home schooled until 2nd grade and then attended a mix of Christian school and homeschool co-ops until 8th grade. I loved school, loved to read and learn, and worked hard at keeping all As and making everyone proud of me. I took piano for 8 years faithfully. I rarely disobeyed my parents and when I did I felt more shame then I could express into words. I internalized those thoughts of shame and dwelled on them late into the night. I struggled with sleeping and being consumed with negative thoughts and anxiety at night. I still do to this day. Its something I desperately need to get help with and I am soon. At school I was painfully shy and introverted. I didn't make friends easily and the few friends hurt me a lot. Typical girl drama. But the pain was stuffed away and only something I thought about when I was alone. I hid it. I hid the hurt. As I headed into middle school and high school, entering a public school environment, I continued to keep to myself. I had friends but school was for school and not much else. I tried a few church youth groups but never really fit in quite right. I never really let people know the real Megan. I dated a few boys, very immature boys, and have a lot of regrets from that. Giving them little pieces of my heart that I can never get back. But I maintained my good girl status. Hiding anything negative and putting that smile on in public.

I won't bore you with too much more. Life isn't much different these days than the early days. I haven't changed too much and I want to change. I want to be more open. I don't want to hide and put on my good girl face for those around me, meanwhile dying inside. I need to accept grace from God and others when I make a mistake instead of trying to cover it up and excuse it away while feeling shamed and listening to Satan's lies. I'm a wreck, a complete train wreck. But really, if we are completely honest..we all are wrecks! Thats the beauty of God's love for us. We don't have to put together to win His Love. He loves us right in the midst of our ugliness. Thats the truth that I cling to when I'm feeling down and hopeless. God loves me the way that He created me. And there is no way I can ever hide anything from Him. He sees it all. I can put on a act for the world, but He knows the truth. And loves me more than anyone ever can or will. It blows my mind really.


Some quotes from the book that spoke to me....

"Behind my pretty masks, I was a worried, anxious wreck of a girl."

"I constantly worried that my imperfect status would be discovered. I often experienced guilt but didn't know why. I felt the heavy weight of impossible expectations and had the insatiable desire to explain every mistake. My battle with shame was constant. and hovering."

"I know that God is big enough to redeem the unruly, the rejected, and the addict. I know about the God who reaches way down into the pit and the One whose love stretches to the heavens. But I fear he misses the details. What about the girl in the middle? I fear I fall through the cracks because my story draws no attention. I lack intrigue, drama, and interest. Can he see ordinary, unspectacular me?"

"FEAR DRIVES. BUT LOVE LEADS"

"as the day fades to dusk, you begin to feel the familiar fog of anxiety, the weight and pressure of holding it together, of longing left unmet, of unexplained emptiness even in the midst of great blessing and perceived success"

"Worry robs me of the peace I know is available. Fear lies and says there is no peace at all. And their immature, screaming baby Anxiety keeps me up at night with her unrelenting cries of what ifs? and what now? and what will they think?"

"I was made to be distinctly someone, and so were you. In the mind of God, in his vision for the world, in his idea for the universe, he made you to go in it. He had in mind a particular you. A true you. An authentic, accurate expression of himself. A woman who is more than just a watered-down version of good"


Whew! Thats just from the intro and 1st chapter! I'm excited to keep reading and can't wait to see how God will change my heart and help me accept His Grace in my life. I hope this speaks to someone too!